gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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