your parents love me but you hate me
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
