Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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