you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Im part way to drunk.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
