I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize