I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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