dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
