I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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