If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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