I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
