Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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