OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
