why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
