hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
