mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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