I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
