I cannot find my penis.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
