This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
