i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
