we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I AM VODKA MAN
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
