Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
