If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
