dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
