Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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