New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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