I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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