Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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