if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize