i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
