So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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