I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
