Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
