Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
