My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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