Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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