thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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