I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
