My nipple is on Facebook.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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