i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
