So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
