waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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