yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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