i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
