She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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