sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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