Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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