Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
