My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
