He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize