you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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