My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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