Will you blow on my dice?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
