Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
