i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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