3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
