Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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