Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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